| The Hell? |
[01 Mar 2003|11:46am] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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And it's the same for lazy!
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| Hey... |
[01 Mar 2003|02:23am] |
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mood |
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peaceful |
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The icon for peaceful is the same as satisfied, what a rip off!
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| Back with a vengence |
[01 Mar 2003|02:19am] |
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mood |
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satisfied |
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Well I'm back, the fog has lifted, the earth has shifted
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| More internal ramblings that have been going on for years |
[04 Aug 2002|01:00am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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"June Afternoon" by Roxette |
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I should try to be more considerate with Toto. I know he doesn't like it when I joke about certain stuff and I keep doing it. The closer I become to a person, the more of an asshole I become. Have permanant friends like Mark, Toto, and Steve around me most of the time has been different for me. I know that I have changed because of it. I wonder if the way I act is really me or I am trying to be someone I am not. Am I burying who I am? Cause I never remember being like this before. I think about how I act and I feel like I am a rude bitch at times, especially with Toto and I consider him a friend.
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| Scary |
[17 Jul 2002|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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"Youth of the Nation" By POD |
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I scared myself a couple days ago.
I was thinking about what it would be like if I just fell out my window. I was thinking that I wouldn't have to deal with anything for while and my small shit wouldn't matter anymore. Then it hit me what I was thinking about. I was considering what falling from tenth floor would mean. And realized how pain that would be and that I would prolly die. That was scary. I don't what scared me the most about it. What falling would feel like that or that I causally was wondering what it would feel like.
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| sigh |
[17 Jul 2002|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
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music |
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"God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" by Nsync |
] |
Ditched or forgotten, I don't know which is worse.
Later yall
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[03 Jul 2002|02:45am] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler |
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Fourth of July coming up! Yes! I am going home for bit, which is very cool. Mom help realized that just because Mark and Toto aren't coming doesn't mean I won't have fun. It's their loss. Jerks and crappy me for letting get away with it. So I go home to enjoy pork ribs, great fireworks, and possibly some free movies! Go me. Nighty night to me.
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| Oh, the weekend was fun |
[02 Jul 2002|06:01pm] |
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mood |
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Feeling better |
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Just in case anyone reading this thinks I am depressing, the weekend was fun. I was the best person in my friends Tom's wedding. I was in a full tuxedo, it was cool, the vest and coat didn't quite fit me, but is the price of having big tits. I had to make toast and I did a good job of it, people said it was good. I was teasing Tom saying I was going to tell all sorts of embarrassing stories to everyone, but I didn't. The wedding was nice, but I thought it was really sort. It was a non-denominational wedding and I am used to Catholic weddings which are very long. I hope that Tom and Catlin are very happy together and our enjoying Ireland right now.
On Sunday, I was in the Pride Parade. That was tons-o-fun! We were doing chants and my favorite parts was near the end where religious protesters were saying stuff. All of us started chanting "Stop the violence! Stop the hate! What we need is to educate!" I thought it was fucking gorgeous.
So, I have happy stuff to talk about, and my family is coming downtown for the Taste of Chicago. It's nice to know I can count on th
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| Oh well *sigh*. |
[02 Jul 2002|05:55pm] |
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mood |
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Upset-disappointed-crying |
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music |
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Annie Lennox "Walking on Broken Glass" |
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I have tried again to invite Mark and Toto to my house and it again looks like they won't. I am a bit depressed about that. Maybe I am wrong, I don't know. But if I asked you a couple of times if you wanted to do something, would you get the idea that it is important to me? Cause this is. I really want them to come to my hometown and see where I come from. Looking back, it is the only thing I have consistently asked them to do and it's never happened.
They say I should include them in my plans and I have tried with this with no success. With Toto it is "It's too far" or "I hate to go to the suburbs on principle", even though he will go when it is something he decides to do. And fuck you Toto, the suburbs are just fine! Mark is "way too indecisive" and the opportunity passes before he makes up his god damn mind. It makes me feel like I am not important to them.
Maybe I am expecting them to be able to read minds, but I'd like to think I understand when something is important to them. Is it too much to ask of them? I have never asked much of my friends, visiting my home is one of the few things I do ask and all of my friends have done it, except Mark and Toto.
God damn whatever insecurity that is causing me from just telling them this. I wish I could tell them to go fuck themselves right now, but I can't. Toto recently called me a "Liar, liar, liar, liar!" If they only knew how many times I keep my disappointment inside and put on smile.
I am feeling better, the tears have stopped and I can go being the fake me that day after day takes over the real me. My brain is again rationalizing my hurt by saying, "If you want to have friends, your shit doesn't matter."
If anyone is reading this, please comment, I need to know if is just me.
Thanks,
Jes
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| Self Reflection |
[11 Jun 2002|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Cher "Save Up All Your Tears" |
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I came upon a startling revelation this day, not everything I do will perfect on the first try. Major duh, I'm sure, but you'd be surprised how often I expect myself to be perfect on everything. I don't think most of friends are aware of the sense of inadequacy I get sometimes. I consciously realize that I am not inadequate, but all I have to do is see Mark on the dance floor and feel like the biggest reject ever. Or I see Mark and Toto being the cute couple they are and know that I am never going to have something like that. My problem is that I am all too aware of my shortcomings; I'm not attractive, not coordinated, my social skills need some work, all that jazz. So I try to overcompensate with the things I can do well, which leads to have unrealistic ideas what I can do. But yeah, I kinda hit me today that was not a good thing. I don't know if this insight will stick, but I am glad I had it today.
Please do not think that I am some whiny person, I did not write this feeling sorry for myself. I am just articulating what I feel in hopes to better understand myself. I realize that I am who I am and that I am cool with who I am (yes that does make sense). Actually, I do this in my head all the time, I have now decided to write this stuff done instead of talking to myself. I think this is healthier for me.
If anyone is reading this, have a nice da
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| This is fun and weird! |
[10 Jun 2002|11:39pm] |
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mood |
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peaceful |
] |
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music |
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"Looking Through Your Eyes" from the movieQuest for Camelot |
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I think I will keep writing in this, it seems cool. I have never written a journal before, so this is kinda new to me. I am not sure how much I will write and how personal this will be. I am kinda afraid if I write something down embarrassing, and it will be here forever (like nifty fabulous).
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[10 Jun 2002|08:57pm] |
What kith are you?
Find out here.
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[10 Jun 2002|08:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 giggly |
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music |
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Backstreet Boys "Millennium" |
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I am in a good mood. I had great day at work, cause it was not all about work. A few weeks back one of my co-workers had this idea to had a bake-off at work. This was suggested jokingly, but a lot of people thought this was a good idea, so in two weeks, we are having a bake-off (which I am SO going to win)! Most of the day was spent doing some prep work for the bake-off, not really work, but my boss Susan didn't mind. I love it when my bosses go along with the fun stuff.
On a sad note, one of the RD's, Diane, is leaving for a new job today. We had a goodbye party for her. She was never my resident director, but she was always cool to me. I will miss h
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| Thought I'd give this a try... |
[09 Jun 2002|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Yeah, my friend Mark has one these Livejournal things, so I thought, I would try one too. My other friend Mark says that writing stuff down can be good for you, so here I am. I not sure if this will work, but what the hey, boredom and odd moods happens.
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